Why being alone doesn’t always mean freedom

In a world that encourages self-reliance, where “protecting your peace” is something so heavily hyped and emphasized, it is natural to gravitate towards believing that life is truly fulfilled by you being solo, thriving and untouched. You start to consume the idea that relying on others and being vulnerable is a sign of weakness. The quite common sayings :  “Be your own boss”, “Happiness comes from within” start to resonate with you so much so that you neglect the vulnerable part of you that needs nurturing, the kind that you can’t provide for yourself. Here’s the thing, independence does not always feel freeing. No matter how well you are thriving, how much you have achieved by yourself, there is this quiet lingering feeling of being left out where your chest tightens opening someone’s instagram story and seeing how surrounded they are. You cannot cleanse that feeling. No amount of self-preserving quotes or self-affirmations can feel the void made for human connection. So the real question becomes : when does being independent stop feeling like freedom and start feeling like being alone?

Let us answer this question by analysing the origin of independence. First born children for example are raised to be strong and self-reliant. They are expected to be like a rock, a stable foundation that does not need to rely on others to progress. They naturally become self-guided, learning to be self-directed and to handle responsibilities on their own. This of course is a generalisation, but the point is that in our different communities, independence is something we are taught to have in our early stages of life. Now let us look at a broader example. Even if you are not a first born child or are a first born child but do not relate, adulthood forces you into independence - you are told that “You now have to make your own decisions” and you even find yourself carrying your own burdens and navigating through a whole new chapter. That is what I classify as “natural independence” - a type of independence that grows as you grow older, one that is self-building. So when does independence start to feel unnatural, like isolation?

Independence starts to feel unnatural, morphing into isolation when it goes beyond what is necessary to navigate life. It starts to avoid connection and leads you to a darkness where relationships feel too irrelevant and burdening.This kind of independence is the one that we see being pushed onto us on social media platforms and even on our favourite shows. Do you ever wonder why in movies where the protagonist who is an independent “boss lady” always ends up “falling” for the person who is outgoing and free spirited? It is because at the back of our minds we understand that society is built on partnership. The sole reason we function as a society of people is because of our co-dependence on one another. Take a look at ancient civilisation. In African societies, communities were led by several people in power even though a king was put in place. Women and men worked together filling in where the other gender lacked. Even in today’s world, we have existing governments made of different fields such as the judiciary and legislature. Each one of these fields functions through collaboration; none of them can stand individually. So when we take independence too far it directly contradicts the everyday workings of our society. We start glorifying solitude when in reality it masks the experiences that we need to grow as human beings. When you are in solitude, you are like a rock in moving water, untouched and unshaken but slowly eroded by what surrounds you. The current will move at different rates but you remain unchanged and not growing. Life will shift through many changes but like that rock you remain stagnant and soon submerged and forgotten. You will be pushed aside, ignored and driven into isolation.

What if we redefined independence? What  if we shaped it to fit what its true definition was always meant to be? According to the Counselling Directory article Redefining Independence : The Empowered Journey of Today’s Single, independence should not be equated to self-sufficiency. Instead, it’s about having the confidence to make your own choices while still valuing connection and support from others. After reading this article, I realized something : Maybe we were wrong about independence all along. Who said that independence has to be outside the way our society functions? Why should it mean being singular or separate from others when our society is built on collaboration and interdependence? Why should independence take on a definition that isolates you when it is the last thing you need? Naturally, anyone would consider independence as working alone but what if I told you that independence is about having that confidence to navigate life on your own terms without cutting yourself off from the people and systems that have always supported you? This is where we distorted its meaning. We became so gullible with the words  we are fed on social media, ignoring what we have always known and taking up ideas that left us nothing but loneliness. We started agreeing with false notions :  that marriage is not necessary,that being financially supported is a sign of weakness, or that   asking for help somehow makes  you less of a mature human being. These are ideologies that lead to nowhere.

True independence does not mean being alone, it isn't being a stone stuck in moving water. It means standing on your own, steady and strong whilst still flowing with the world around you. Freedom is not isolation, it is balance.

Sources 

Redefining Independence : The Empowered Journey of Today’s Single